Not feeling so flash....

I've been deliberating whether to post now or not, wondering what the reaction I get to this may be.

I've had a shocker of a week, especially emotionally. After the high of the competition, I got a phone call from my Mum telling me that I had rocks in my head even thinking I could be competitive in the competition due to my belly skin, that my fourth place finish was trying to tell me something and that I had taken things too far and that my whole family thought that I was selfish and bordering on anorexic. I have been feeling pretty fragile as until now, my mother has been one of my staunchest supporters. I stayed with my parents up until two weeks before the comp and I can certainly understand if they thought I was being super particular as I was weighing out portions, practicing posing and routine etc, but anorexic was totally left field as far as I am concerned. So I have had thoughts such as "should I bother doing Nationals?" running around my head as I don't want to get up there if I don't look the part and wondering if I really am deluding myself thinking I can compete in Figure. It has been a weird feeling telling various others I came 4th as I think they all expected me to win or place and I have been feeling like I've been pitied, even though as I said to them all before, I was just happy to get up there on stage.

Then I copped a similar lecture from hubs and after a lot of discussion, I think he understood where I was coming from, what my motivation has been in competing etc.

Another layer of stress has been the blow up with the Woop Woop Warehouse. I wasn't going to go back there and train at all, but I enjoy my strength training and I feel sad at the thought of going backwards, even though I can do much of my training at home. I feel wretched at the thought of having to live here a minute longer and feel myself sinking into a depression as I try and accept where we are living. I have been here for six months and have yet to make many friends, and not for lack of trying either.

I am also finding it hard to keep everyone entertained as there is not a lot to do here. So silly me cooks up patty cakes and Viennese Kisses with the girls and I end up trolling and having a massive binge on fat and sugar. Not like me at all - I know after last comp, I had some moments like this but what upsets me is that I failed to see all the upset preceeding it, chose my trigger foods (baking, baked goods) and stuffed my face and not in a good way either - that furtive 'shovel it down as fast as you can and hope nobody sees' style behaviour. Not good.

Another pattern I notice is a desire in me to have things planned and settled. Not knowing what my goals are for next year or even after next month is driving me nuts. Not knowing where I will be living doesn't help either. Having a plan or a WHY as Coach says is the most important step of all - so it is time for a WHY revision, me thinks.
However, it is over and I just have to focus on moving away from it one meal at a time. I am not going to be too restrictive, but rather focus on cleaning it up a bit at a time. And focus on eating a variety of foods, rather than the same recipes - I know I got dependent on using the same recipes before the comp as I was away and chose foods I knew worked for me, so I am going to work in some small changes whether it is the flavour of the protein powder or different salad green or veggie. I am going to be more mindful of Lifestyle rather than "diet". As for the Nationals, I think I should do them. I have 14 days to really focus and that is exactly what I am going to do.

I also need to focus on some of the positives - where I've come from, that I've had some terrific clients since being here and learned how I make the best improvements :)