Today has seen me doing a really good Whitney in the emotional stakes. How do you know if it is best to keep your emotions within or to bust 'em wide open? Sometimes it seems as if we don't have a choice, they come up and grab you at the most inopportune moment.
I think we all need an outlet for pent up emotional energy. Sometimes I pour this into my training or my class and very rarely I have a good cry, which is something I should do more often. The only time I seem to cry is in movies - it is as if I have given myself permission to validate my feelings and bring them into the moment.
Today I cried during RPM. This is not the first time it has happened to me, but to be frank, today's episode shook me to the core. Today I participated in the Les Mills Advanced Instructor Module where we spent the day working the essence of what is RPM -today's focus was on coaching, choreography mastery and technique mastery.
The technique mastery sessions were amazing. We did a lot of cycling drills, some which I'm familiar with and other drills that I'd never used before. It was really enlightening and left me with a desire to start getting out onto the road to train.
The coaching sessions were inspiring too with one of the presenters, Meg, sharing some class stories, which were very cool. We then did an exercise where we had to place ourselves on a line of where we thought we were with our RPM journey and it was then the emotion hit me like a ton of bricks, that I feel like (for many reasons) I just haven't been achieving my real potential - this is all mixed in with the frustration of the arthritic shoulder joint from you-know-where. No matter how hard I fought to keep it in, I just couldn't stop the tide - and I have been on and off like this all day.
I have to admit that I felt sorry for the presenters having such an emo nutter on the course - I felt I had to explain that it wasn't anything they'd done that had set me off, but rather a combination of circumstances and emotive language about coaching that had contributed. We ended up doing two assessments, both of which were way below what I'm capable of giving. However, after a good sleep, I am sure that the great stuff I learned will fall into place.
My journey these past few weeks reflects the journey of what I know to be true. I'm human, I get emotional and I've just relearned the value of having a good cry. Self expression propels you forward, rather than backwards. I have a bed to fall into, a house to pack and a road bike to head out on this next week with a light pedal stroke and uplifted heart.
See you when I get back.