A different perspective

I have to admit that lately I feel like I've been playing a "waiting game" with my life. Do you ever feel like you're in 'flux' for want of a better expression. It's as if the light has been on, but I haven't been home. There have been so many changes this year, where I started off with a thriving PT business and online business, a goal of a figure comp and a budding career as a fitness writer... I'm finishing the year as someone who has dialed back their online business big time, resumed her pharmacy career, albeit part time and become a banging (I've picked this one up for Shelley, I'm banging everything) RPM instructor who's ready to take it up a notch in step.

After suffering from depression, I've been totally reassessing everything from the way I eat to the way I train to the way I sleep and how I choose to live. The SSRIs help but sometimes you just need the penny to drop so you can rocket your way out of there. Last night, the penny dropped. It was a moment I've been anticipating for a long time. I was reading about someone's struggle with something or other and they said something to the effect of "BEING A GROWN UP MEANS YOU DON'T DO EVERYTHING YOU WANT TO." Bingo!

If that isn't a good reminder to get on with the job, I don't know what is!

Had a great training session with Shelley yesterday - we threw around 50kg bench presses without blinking - can't believe the improvement really! Taught RPM this morning - had a big class for a Wednesday morning and backed it up with Step later on. I'm looking forward to taking the "Step Improvement" journey - if nothing ever comes of it, then I can rest easy in the knowledge I have become a better teacher anyway.

Here's another great quote from Roger Gould: "The only way failure is sure to happen is if you don't try to meet the challenge. If you put in sustained intelligent effort, you will learn something and that is automatically a success" (that's how I'm thinking about my RPM!)

Letting it Ride

"Reality is your friend, because it gives you back your perspective and hence the power over yourself" Roger Gould.

Love this quote - I've been digging more into what my reality is right now and coming to the conclusion that mental fatigue has played a bit part in my life the past few months and really did catch up with me. Ever heard of the phrase (mostly used by men) "women think too much"? Uh, that would be me. Left to my devices too long, I've let a few thoughts run away with me and turn into what I call "big whoppers". For example, today I have to take the day off work because Miss G has been up all night vomiting. Rather than leave it at just being rotten luck and just unfortunate, I could feel myself magnifying it into a scenario where my employer would not be impressed with me, I'd be fired, (not that) fat and forty! (yeah, I know!). These "all or nothing" feelings do nothing but make me feel anxious (which in the past was a driver for overeating).

In these situations I really have to tell myself to "get a grip" and really look at what is real versus what is imagined - and reality wins every time. Getting relief from unpleasant feelings usually means facing reality - and reality is a good place to be!

I've got good news on the foot front, padding underneath my metatarsals is really helping, I've yet to see my physio and podiatrist (which only signals improvement!) and I'm cautiously optimistic that I can teach Step on Wednesday morning as well as my usual RPM. I've also been doing some ankle mobilization exercises (the advantages of being an exercise phys, I can start my rehab straight away!) and hip flexor work.

Training with Mrs B tomorrow (I'm wondering what heavy s**t she's lifted today) and sleeping much better. Dare I say it, I can't wait to be punished!

Lots to look forward to on the nutrition front today as well. Pumpkin soup (hooray!), fresh NZ trevally and vegetables and roasted vegetable salad with fetta and balsamic dressing (leftovers from Father's Day dinner yesterday).

The Monster at the End of the Bed

Raechelle's courageous posts about dealing with alcoholism this week got me thinking about the monster at the end of my own bed and the shame that we feel in admitting we have such weaknesses. However, weakness can be unifying, because you are guaranteed to find someone just around the corner with the same struggles as you and often the best life connections are made as a result.

I have touched on my monster over the years in this blog - I have suffered from depression on and off since my late teens. For the most part it's been pretty well controlled with a course of CBT from a psychologist in the 90s and SSRI medication when I get bad symptoms. For me, I know that the monster has resurfaced when I cannot sleep and I start feeling completely whacko about everything I put into my mouth (good or bad). The monster has been asleep since 2007, but has started to stir over the past month or so and a week ago attacked with a vengeance.

Today I saw my very wise GP, who likens a depressive episode to Archimede's Principle. Put "stuff" into a thin tube over time and gradually it will fill - add one little thing more and you get to overflowing. It's not the "little thing" that caused it (say my poor old metatarsals), but a series of stressful events leading to this point. And my goodness, this year has been full of those.

With this issue, hindsight is a wonderful thing. I know after a day or two of drugs, I'll look back and say, "how could I have not seen that coming?" However, when you're in the thick of feeling rotten, you just don't know how to think. I liken it to crossing a river. Your positive rational thoughts are on the other side. You know that the side you're on (the negative and irrational is doing you no good) but you don't have the tools to jump to the other side because you're scared you're going to fall in and drown. That's where the SSRI helps me - and why I can't understand people who tell others to toughen up and be strong without medication. If there is a need for a drug, go for it I say - and you know soon enough whether it works or not by changes in quality of life etc etc.

Shelley and I both decided to "chuck a sickie" today training wise. I've padded under my tarsometarsal joint and I don't know whether it's rest, padding or both, but it has improved dramatically today. I'm to teach RPM tomorrow, so I'll pad up and try and stay positive, even though I'm feeling a bit like an unfit slug (ah the mind games that a week off can play!).

Instead I've been attacking our filing cabinet with gusto and trying to get inspired to cook something nice for dinner. I revisited kangaroo meat today after being put off by the smell of the mince. I had a kangaroo herb and garlic steak for afternoon tea with some green vegetables. It was superb - oh Skippy, where have you been all my life. I simply seared both sides for 2 mins each for a medium to well done steak.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.